First: Robert has been gone for two weeks now. I'm doing alright now. But have my "off" moments. The first week and a half were pretty horrible. I cried 75% of the time and felt like a failure 100% of the time. It didn't help that Robert left shortly before my 33 week gestation milestone or that he won't be here for Jasper's first birthday. I think once i get passed those things and on into August things will start getting lighter and easier. Which is saying something since August is our estimated time of arrival for baby #5!! We have all the supplies for the birth and all the baby stuff ready too. It's all very exciting!
Second: Darby starts school on August 8th. SECOND GRADE! I can't believe my first little baby will be a second grader! We are in the process of buying school supplies for her. Very slowly, because I wait until there are amazing deals before I will buy anything. Today I got two packages of pencils and five packages of wide ruled paper, paying only 1 cent a piece! Along with some other great deals too! : ) But gotta wait another week for a new sales flier to come out before I go again. I'm also buying some things for Bryse. She's been begging for over a year to go to preschool. And I actually went and looked at some in the area. But they all seem to be full time programs and I don't see the need (or want) to send Bryse-y to preschool 9-3 five days a week! So I promised her I would do homeschooling with her. Even though it's not necessary. I spent some time thinking about it and figured up a great way to homeschool her in such a way that I have to do very little (since I will have a newborn at the time). So I've been getting everything prepared for that as well. When I finish, I will post pictures and explain how we are doing things next month for her. : ) Third: My mommy is coming to visit. I guess after she realised that I was losing my mind and barely surviving on a regular basis she decided that she would get a short notice flight to come out for over a week to help me out! I could not be more thankful. I've already started a list of all the things her and I will accomplish while she's here to be more ready for newborn babymoon time. Gonna get some freezer food put away, laundry detergent made, and hard cleaning done. And on a lighter note, I could just cry at the ability to take a shower while the kids are awake (the last time I attempted this, Bryse bit Darby so hard she drew blood), or to just go on a walk for excercise. Btw, just to show how gross this single parenting can be, I'm on day three of no shower. I didn't intend this, truly! I forgot until this morning! Then I figured I would take one while Cal napped, but he didn't nap. So I had to be available to put him back into bed everytime he got up during naptime, just praying that he would eventually fall asleep so that I could get clean. But, it didn't happen. So after bedtime I will get clean. Just be thankful that I'm not scheduled to hang out with you this afternoon! Fourth: I've been thinking a lot about inadequecies. The truth is, I'm usually pretty "able". I mean, usually times like now feel like more of a challenge then beatings. Robert went to officer basic for ten weeks, and while I wasn't ubber pregnant at the time, I really sorta thrived. I mean, my biggest problem then was missing Robert. But I've been drastically less able and "together" since J died. Which I suppose makes sense. So this time, while Robert is gone, my easiest problem is missing Robert. It's everyday little things that give me big problems. And I'm starting to think: God likes me better this way. Less of me, more of Him. If I can survive on my own, then I'm not reaching for Him as often. But as it is NOW, I feel as if I can't even give a bath, cook dinner, make a grocery run, or draw a breath without His help. Not to say that He enjoys my suffering, but that He wants and enjoys helping. Picture this: Your toddler INSISTS on tying her own shoe and you know that she is totally unable as of yet. But instead of putting your foot down and telling her that she must let you do it for her, you just stand back and watch her. For 15, 20, 30 minutes(depending on how strong willed she is) as she sweats and shrieks and grunts in frustration. You just sit beside her and wait. Because you know she will fail. It doesn't mean you want her to fail, you just know she will. And finally after she gives up and says, "Mama! I need help!" You get to swoop in, knowing that SHE realizes now how valuable you are to her, and teach her how. I prefer my own children coming to me with true needs, I'm sure He prefers it that way too.
1 Comment
Farrow
8/7/2011 03:58:26 am
You are such an inspiration to me, Linds. Sending you gigantic hugs and love,
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