The words to use are escaping me at the moment. I'm pregnant. How's that? Pretty to the point and informative. Since this isn't just your average announcement of an addition to our family, but also loaded with extra thoughts, I will get started. I know that many people will wonder how I'm doing with this pregnancy and such. Since I don't wish to repeat myself over and over and it gets confusing to know if someone actually wants to know REALLY how I'm doing or is just being polite by asking, I will share my thoughts here. And if you wish to truely know, then read on. If not, then stop here and don't ask me in person. I talk to my husband and midwife about my feelings on a pretty regular basis and don't much feel like talking to anyone else about them. So, to start with, the facts:
I am in my 15th week of pregnancy. Our ETA is the end of August. As far as normal pregnancy issues go, I was nauseous about the same amount as I was with Jasper and Cal's pregnancies (not too horribly bad, didn't lose any weight). Same food aversions as well. Fatigue, you know, the normal pregnant stuff. We have talked about any changes that we feel we want to make with this pregnancy and haven't come up with any. I know some people might think that had we planned a hospital birth and seen a surgeon (OB) then maybe Jasper wouldn't have died. We disagree. Also, some others might believe that if we had had an ultrasound, maybe we could've saved Jasper. Considering I had a normal pregnancy, if I had seen an OB and done things "normally" we would've had an u/s around 20 weeks. Personally, I feel there is not enough proof that u/s can even detect the placement of the umbliical cord. And even if we did, that would've been 13 weeks before Jasper died. Babies die and are stillborn in hospitals, under the care of OBs everyday. When I went to the hospital I was told I was third within six weeks to have stillborn at that hosital. The only way Jasper life "may" have been saved was if I was checking his heartbeat 100% of the time so as to catch such a rare occurance. And even after losing him, I will not do that. So, in short, we are planning another homebirth and will not be having an u/s unless medically indicated. I don't feel like I need one for peace of mind either. Yet. I mean, any of this could change, but so far has not. For more of the reasons why we don't do routine u/s see my previous post: http://coffmanfamily.weebly.com/1/post/2010/03/why-we-do-what-we-do.html Now, emotionally. I found out I was pregnant the day we left for our christmas vacation. I was quite happy. Not excited, but very happy. I waited 5 days to tell Robert but had NO need or urge to tell anyone else. I didn't want to. So we didn't. I, ofcourse, texted my midwife and told her and eventually did tell a couple of close friends that see me on a regular basis and would notice a difference in my behavior (illness, weight gain, etc). Also, I trusted these friends to be encouraging. I think it's a darn shame that once you have more than three children and you get pregnant again, some people act as if you have a plague. "Good grief! When are y'all gonna stop?!" or other rude comments. And having heard a few of them while pregnant with Jasper and then him dying, I'm even more sensitive to the comments. I don't wish to hear them and pity those that have that attitude about babies. But that is a post for another day. Sooo, I didn't want to tell anyone. To be 100% honest, if I could, I would give birth to this baby and THEN tell everyone! Ha! But I can't. And since I am starting to show it is ridiculous to keep it a secret any longer. Saturday night Robert and I stayed up and talked about my apprehensiveness in sharing about the pregnancy and afterward I went to sleep only to have repeated nightmares about the baby dying. So there is obviously some emotional stuff going on here, but I can't exactly define it or explain it. I feel physicaly pregnant, but not emotionally pregnant. If that makes sense. I have frequented Molly Piper's blog in the last several months. And she experienced PPD and PTSD after having her next baby after her stillborn baby. Some call the next baby the "rainbow baby" because it's the rainbow after the storm. Which seems nice and I think that sometimes, but other times I hate to refer to Jasper's life in a negative light. Yes, there was a storm, and still is some, but anyway, I'm torn on that term. Rainbow baby, but I do use it either way! ; ) Sooo, evidentaly I have read that a lot of women experience some pretty serious emotional and psychological issues only after their rainbow baby is born. This scares me. I've never experienced PPD or even minimal baby blues! I've always felt like a rock star when I have a newborn. And while I know I will do whatever precautions I can after and before this baby is born, I know it might not be enough. So that is a fear. I have experienced some good closure since I found out I was pregnant. So that has been good. I'm also huge. I mean, I was still 10 pound heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight when I got pregnant this time. It's the first time that I haven't lost all my weight yet! So will I gain the same amount as I usually do?! Or will I stop at my normal full term weight?! So many questions that can't be answered yet. ; )
17 Comments
Charlea
3/1/2011 09:29:37 pm
Oh, I am so happy for you all. I am praying for you all physically and emotionally. I can imagine you're having a hard time, which I'm sure is to be expected, but you'll persevere. I hope your pregnancy and birth are everything you need to have a healing, spiritual experience, and that you find a peace Within yourself sooner than later. Much love to you guys!
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Gretchen
3/1/2011 10:08:18 pm
I love you girl and I am very happy for you! I had a dream about you being pregnant again a few weeks ago.
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Mary Durand
3/1/2011 10:57:46 pm
Lindsey: Just learning you are pg is a blessing to me and after reading your blog, I see you are in a good place for this to happen now. Grief and despair are situations than can occur simultaneously with joy and laughter, so you will likely be on a roller coaster this year!......but isn't life a roller coaster of emotions anyway? You are blessed, my dear, so praise God always and forever.....All my love, Mary
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Meranda Wilkerson
3/1/2011 11:21:06 pm
Lindsey,
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Carol Oswald
3/1/2011 11:32:18 pm
Hey Lindsey, I wish you and your family ALL the best in your time of joy and dealing with all the "stuff" that this brings up. I hope that God will give you grace in dealing with stupid or thoughtless people. I know so many people who are wounded by friends, and family even, that make comments about their choices in having children, either how many or how close together or far apart or at what age. What are people thinking?!!? It just is not their business. If you need anything, let me know. I am glad you have a STRONG support system. Hugs!
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Christy Fiscer
3/1/2011 11:55:22 pm
Oh Lindsey, I am so happy for you and your family. I will be praying for you during the pregnancy, that your nightmares and fears will be at rest. So many cyber hugs to you!! ♥
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3/2/2011 01:15:54 am
Lindsey, I am so THRILLED for you guys! I love that you still trust birth, because as you said, there was just no knowing and no matter what type of care/precautions we take you cannot predict the "freak accidents".
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Courtney
3/2/2011 02:00:13 am
Thanks for sharing this Lindsey! As someone who works in the medical model there is no way it would have made a bit of difference had you had an ultrasound at 20 weeks. People who say that don't understand how the testing works. I am hoping for a peaceful and healing pregnancy for you. Let me know if there is anything I can ever do... and hope you found a red shirt:)
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Dad
3/2/2011 04:35:39 am
Lindsey, we couldn't be happier for you guys! We can't wait to meet the latest addition to the clan. I pray these months pass quickly (not to minimize the journey of pregnancy or shorten that experience, but to make the time until we meet your newest baby seem shorter). God will be with you guys. We pray for His comfort, encouragement, and care. We pray that He pushes back the darkness and worry has the potential to creep in. We pray for the new life within you and for the lifetime God has in store for him/her. God is good and we believe there are some wonderful, bright, hope filled days ahead!!!
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Cindy
3/2/2011 04:49:06 am
Lindsey, I'm with you on the home birth - "professionally-attended" births are statistically more dangerous anyway, and you definitely know what you're doing this time. Plus the fact that you, as a believer, are guided by God's Spirit, not just your own whims. I am so delighted to hear that in just a few short months, you and Robert will be parents to another beautiful baby!
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Cindy
3/2/2011 04:51:24 am
Just re-read my post - lest it be misunderstood, I meant that you definitely know what you're doing - period! Realized that "this time" could be construed to mean that you didn't know what you were doing last time, which is definitely, unequivocably NOT what I meant to say. Senior moment - yeah, that's it!
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3/2/2011 12:43:57 pm
Lindsey and Robert, I wasn't surprised when I got your e-mail. When you all are happy I'm happy and I always look forward to a new great-grandbaby. I know this one will be precious. After reading your blog, I realized that I was a rainbow baby. I hope my mother felt that I was. Love, Nannie
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Jasmine KIng
3/3/2011 04:44:45 am
I am so thrilled for you guys!! Having 8 kids I understand the comments on family size all to well. In my experience after #5 the comments changed and became much more positive. We started being counted outloud, fingers pointes, mouths open when #5 came along also. hahaha
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Stephanie Davis
3/3/2011 12:16:37 pm
Rock on lady! You are, and will always be, one of my favorite superstars! I love you and your tenacity and your darling children and think you need 20 of them :-) Congratulations on your pregnancy, I pray it's a beautiful journey.
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Aimee Gagnon
3/7/2011 09:04:27 am
You rock!! You are a strong woman!! I love this post! :)
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Farrow
3/8/2011 02:03:35 am
Linds,
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