I may need to do this update in two parts. We will see. I don't know if I can remember very well what happened in June and July....so I'm just going to have to start with the end of July.
Jasper, our fourth baby's due date was September 14th. On July 29, I realised that I hadn't felt him (we didn't know he was a he at the time) move all day. This resulted in a trip to the midwife's house to check for a heartbeat and then the hospital for an ultrasound. Which resulted in us finding out that he was not alive anymore. For details about Jasper's story see here: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/note.php?note_id=420667244285 and http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/note.php?note_id=420673314285 and http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=618655064#!/note.php?note_id=420675174285. His body was born on July 31st, after a 48 hour medical induction. We had a memorial service for him on August 3rd at our church. Through the next several weeks we had great support from our church family and my friends at the Augusta Birth Network. I learned quickly that the only way I recieved a break from thoughts of Jasper and the situation that surrounded his death, was by reading fiction. I had always been big into movies, but they couldn't distract me anymore. So I took up with reading. In September, Darby started first grade a local private school. We had chose a private school because it was Robert's first choice, and we finally found one that was within our price range! : ) Truely it had to be ordained because I was in no state to homeschool. She has done very well there. It was very advanced at first, but she has caught up and is making straight A's. One August 17th, Robert and I celebrated our 8th anniversary. A month after Jasper died I started getting worse. Started having panic attacks. Mainly from little average stresses that come with raising young children, and usually when Robert was gone. When these didn't go away, Robert suggested (firmly) that I take the kids to Mother's Day Out twice a week, EVERY week. (I hadn't been doing that) And we started looking for a grief counselor. We found one and I really liked her at the first appointment. But after a few more I felt like she shared her opinion too much and poked fun at me about curtain things and left me feeling completely stupid about other things. Having a husband in the field, I knew this wasn't correct behavior for a therapist. Although, I must admit I did gain some help by just having someone to talk to and an hour just to myself. Without worrying about the kids. Around this time we got the news that Robert's mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a double masectomy, and had her lymphoma (?) removed and is now going through chemotherapy. Two months after Jasper died (October), Robert graduated from graduate school! : ) We flew the whole family to Missouri and attended the ceremony during a long weekend. The kids mourned in their own ways for a few months. Bryse, quietly, alone, with random questions about what had happened and such. Darby, with sudden out bursts of tears and statements. Cal was just extra cuddles, which was okay with me. ; ) In November, Robert had to go to a training in Alabama and I was left alone with the kids for three weeks. At the beginning of that month, my good friend, Shlonda went with me to a support group at a local hospital for parents who have lost babies. I thought maybe the group might be more helpful then the counselor that didn't feel 100% right to me. I was wrong. There were no other parents there, this particular month, only two med students wanting to learn. (which is fine with me) The leader, an elderly white woman, asked me to share my story about Jasper and I did. By then, it had been three months and I had shared the story enough that I didn't turn all blubbery mess anymore. This seemed to bother her. She started trying to bring up things that she thought might make me get emotional. "What about Thanksgiving? Won't that be hard?!" No, I didn't view thanksgiving as a big deal. The things that did make me emotional, were, things like, the van still being roomy or being able to potty train Cal earlier because I don't have the "burden" of a newborn keeping me too busy. Evidently, that isn't normal. Then when she asked me what I did for his due date and I shared that I started dreadlocks that would be a long process, lasting about a year to complete she looked at me puzzled. Then changed the subject. Only to return to it at a random point about 15 minutes later to announce that me starting dreadlocks was socially unacceptable and that my husband was bound to not like them in a year's time. Shlonda (having locks as well) was shocked and appalled too. When we left we both decided not to return. I actually had a really hard time for a couple days after that. Feeling helpless about finding help that wouldn't judge me but just shut up and listen. I basically gave up on the counselor and finding a new one. Not because I thought it was impossible to find a good one, but because I just didn't have the emotional energy to try. Darby lost three teeth since I last posted. Her latest loss being one the front top ones, leaving her looking completely different. Cal has gotten way into sports! He practices golf with daddy and his driving net in the front yard. He has his own set of left handed golf clubs and golf club bag, which was given to us after a stranger saw him swing a right handed club with his left hand and still make the ball soar! He can also swing a baseball bat like a pro! And he has most recently learned how to hit a ball that is pitched to him (slowly, mind you) And I started potty training Cal about two weeks ago. He has been more difficult than Bryse was. But is doing pretty well! : ) Okay! I think that covers most everything! Obviously, I have turned a corner in my grieving if I am blogging again. I'm not reading as compulsively and dont' really feel a need for counseling so much. I will post more in a few days. I still have many things to share!
2 Comments
Courtney Gustin
1/23/2011 10:49:40 pm
Really glad to see you posting here again and that you have turned a corner. Thank you for sharing your story with everyone. It's something that SHOULD be talked about and SHOULD be easier to get help with.
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Dawn Hernandez
1/24/2011 05:13:13 am
so sad that you weren't able to find resources with grief therapy or support groups...praying for you all. so glad to see that despite jasper's death you still bring him with you in spirit. i've met so many families who hush hush around a lost child, so important to keep his memory alive. loved the bracelet that your midwife gave you too!
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