http://marshill.com/music/albums/the-good-king Please go listen to Where Were You from this album. So good. I was driving home from the garden the other day and there was a storm going by the town. Something so beautiful about Kansas is that you can see weather miles and miles away. I saw the storm in my rearview mirror and had to take a picture at the next stop sign. A friend told me that the baby you have after a stillborn is called your "Rainbow Baby" because they are the rainbow after a storm. While I don't want to associate Jasper with negativity, I happen to love watching storms and Rainbow Baby pretty much describes Deakin. The storm that was our experience with Jasper is now in the rearview mirror and has been for a long while. But every now and then I want to pull over and look back at the storm. I want to sit on the side of the road and cry. I sometimes even wish I could go back to that storm and hold my baby's body again. I have been sitting by the side of the road for a couple months now. I can't pinpoint why his third birthday has so effected me, but it has. Every time I think I about it burst into tears! Which can be awkward when you're sitting with your husband talking about something non-related and all of the sudden your crying and your husband is saying, "What? What did I say?! I'm sorry!"
I have my four year old son and my almost two year old son but where is my three year old son? Likely, watching me cry from the arms of the Lord saying, "Get over it, Mama! I'm good! Get back to work!" And I would say, "Not yet. Just let me cry a little longer." We've had two miscarriages since Robert got back from Afghanistan. The last one was just ten days ago Jasper's birthday. We did not tell very many people because I felt a need for privacy. For whatever reason I associate him with these losses. I don't understand 100% but he will always be the baby I don't have, even though these were different babies and lost at an earlier age. When I picture the babies I'm missing on earth, his is the face I see. When I was grieving over the last miscarriage it was his stuffed elephant lovie that I slept with. But I will get back up and keep moving away from that storm toward whatever else the Lord has planned for me. I will get back to work and enjoy my four living children and amazing husband. I will praise the Lord with every breath, amen. I know He is always good and in control even when it does not feel like it. I have to keep preaching to myself. "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:21 Happy Birthday, Sweet Boy! You're brothers and sisters sure do love eating your dirt and worm cupcakes every year!
3 Comments
Dave Waldron
7/31/2013 11:17:45 am
Hey Lindsey,
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Al Fowler
8/1/2013 11:30:56 am
Lindsey,
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Karen Moore
8/1/2013 09:46:37 pm
I think of Jasper so much. I am so sorry to hear about the miscarriages my prayers are with you. We do not have earthly understanding this but in due time God will unfold his plan to you and Robert.
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