First: Robert has been gone for two weeks now. I'm doing alright now. But have my "off" moments. The first week and a half were pretty horrible. I cried 75% of the time and felt like a failure 100% of the time. It didn't help that Robert left shortly before my 33 week gestation milestone or that he won't be here for Jasper's first birthday. I think once i get passed those things and on into August things will start getting lighter and easier. Which is saying something since August is our estimated time of arrival for baby #5!! We have all the supplies for the birth and all the baby stuff ready too. It's all very exciting!
Second: Darby starts school on August 8th. SECOND GRADE! I can't believe my first little baby will be a second grader! We are in the process of buying school supplies for her. Very slowly, because I wait until there are amazing deals before I will buy anything. Today I got two packages of pencils and five packages of wide ruled paper, paying only 1 cent a piece! Along with some other great deals too! : ) But gotta wait another week for a new sales flier to come out before I go again. I'm also buying some things for Bryse. She's been begging for over a year to go to preschool. And I actually went and looked at some in the area. But they all seem to be full time programs and I don't see the need (or want) to send Bryse-y to preschool 9-3 five days a week! So I promised her I would do homeschooling with her. Even though it's not necessary. I spent some time thinking about it and figured up a great way to homeschool her in such a way that I have to do very little (since I will have a newborn at the time). So I've been getting everything prepared for that as well. When I finish, I will post pictures and explain how we are doing things next month for her. : ) Third: My mommy is coming to visit. I guess after she realised that I was losing my mind and barely surviving on a regular basis she decided that she would get a short notice flight to come out for over a week to help me out! I could not be more thankful. I've already started a list of all the things her and I will accomplish while she's here to be more ready for newborn babymoon time. Gonna get some freezer food put away, laundry detergent made, and hard cleaning done. And on a lighter note, I could just cry at the ability to take a shower while the kids are awake (the last time I attempted this, Bryse bit Darby so hard she drew blood), or to just go on a walk for excercise. Btw, just to show how gross this single parenting can be, I'm on day three of no shower. I didn't intend this, truly! I forgot until this morning! Then I figured I would take one while Cal napped, but he didn't nap. So I had to be available to put him back into bed everytime he got up during naptime, just praying that he would eventually fall asleep so that I could get clean. But, it didn't happen. So after bedtime I will get clean. Just be thankful that I'm not scheduled to hang out with you this afternoon! Fourth: I've been thinking a lot about inadequecies. The truth is, I'm usually pretty "able". I mean, usually times like now feel like more of a challenge then beatings. Robert went to officer basic for ten weeks, and while I wasn't ubber pregnant at the time, I really sorta thrived. I mean, my biggest problem then was missing Robert. But I've been drastically less able and "together" since J died. Which I suppose makes sense. So this time, while Robert is gone, my easiest problem is missing Robert. It's everyday little things that give me big problems. And I'm starting to think: God likes me better this way. Less of me, more of Him. If I can survive on my own, then I'm not reaching for Him as often. But as it is NOW, I feel as if I can't even give a bath, cook dinner, make a grocery run, or draw a breath without His help. Not to say that He enjoys my suffering, but that He wants and enjoys helping. Picture this: Your toddler INSISTS on tying her own shoe and you know that she is totally unable as of yet. But instead of putting your foot down and telling her that she must let you do it for her, you just stand back and watch her. For 15, 20, 30 minutes(depending on how strong willed she is) as she sweats and shrieks and grunts in frustration. You just sit beside her and wait. Because you know she will fail. It doesn't mean you want her to fail, you just know she will. And finally after she gives up and says, "Mama! I need help!" You get to swoop in, knowing that SHE realizes now how valuable you are to her, and teach her how. I prefer my own children coming to me with true needs, I'm sure He prefers it that way too.
1 Comment
Well! I'm 33 weeks pregnant. And for those of you that may not know why that is important to me: 33 weeks is the point in my last pregnancy that our baby Jasper died. Truly, we don't know what specific day it was, we discovered he was gone at 33 weeks and 1 day. He likely died around 32 weeks and 6 days, I'm guessing. If you would like to read Jasper's story here are the links: Part one, http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/note.php?note_id=420667244285, part two, http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/note.php?note_id=420673314285, and part three, http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/note.php?note_id=420675174285. For some reason I didn't post anything on the blog around that time. Actually I didn't post at all on the blog until several months had gone by. I'm not sure why, but I did type up several facebook notes about his story and how we were all doing in the weeks after. The above picture is the last full length shot that we got of my pregnancy with Jasper. I was roughly 32 weeks pregnant. I typically try not to focus too hard on how pregnant I am to the day, except for around Jasper's death. Below is a picture of me pregnant this time.
So far this pregnancy has gone well. I'm big, as pregnant women usually are. Or atleast, as pregnant women that are on their fifth pregnancy usually are. ; ) But other than that, things are going well. I don't feel very scared as a result of Jasper's death. I feel sad a lot and definatly struggle with lack of ambition some. But I don't fear for this baby's life an abnormal amount. We are getting ready for the birth! So we are very excited about that! And finding out the baby's gender. : ) If you would like to be in on guessing the details of this baby, go here to enter our game! http://expectnet.com/game.php The game name is: "Rainbowbaby5". Rainbowbaby because that is what babies are usually referred to when they come after the death of their older sibling. As in, a rainbow after a storm. And the number 5 because this is our fifth baby! : ) Here are some hints for guessing purposes! Darby was born at 37 weeks, 7'14, 19 1/2 inches long, 6:30pm Bryse was born at 39 weeks, 7'15, 21 inches long, 1:09pm Cal was born at 40 weeks, 9'10, 21 1/2 inches long, 1:19am Jasper was born at 33 weeks, 6'5, 19 1/2 inches long, 12:15pm The midwife is guessing that this baby is smaller than Jasper was. I've gained more than all the rest of my pregnancies, but I'm measuring normal. Midwife is guessing girl and so is Robert. I'm clueless but trying to assume girl so that I will be ready for that, because in all honesty, I would rather have a boy. I think mainly because of Jasper, I feel like we are suppose to have a boy. But I do realise that this baby is itself, not Jasper. AND, our girl name is Jude Lael and boy name, so far, is Deakin without a for sure middle name. : ) Good Morning! We just said good bye to our daddy/husband. Robert has a training that he has to go to in Nashville at Fort Campbell. He has told me repeatedly that this type of training he could just as easily get here but they are still sending him away. He also could've been sent earlier this year (it runs in three month rotations), but they chose these three months to only send him. He is going by himself. Typically for training he goes with the rest of the people he works with who are also residents. But, for a reason I don't quite understand, he has to go by himself this time. He left today, July 5th and will return (for good) in early October. So essentially he will be gone July, August, September. The good news is that the drive isn't too terribly far. We will know for sure at the end of today how long it takes him, but probably alittle over 6 hours, we believe.
He plans on coming home for the weekend in two weeks. Which will mean, he will leave after work Friday evening and get home in the middle of the night. Leaving all day Saturday and part of Sunday at home. Soooo, about 36ish hours. For the first several weeks of his training he will also be studying for the EPPP, which is sorta like the equivilant of the psychologist's board exam(I think). It will cost $500 for him to take it and we do not get that money back if he fails. I believe this exam gets him licensed, but I'm not completely sure. I could be wrong. But we are counting it as a blessing that he will be locked in a hotel room by himself for several weeks (besides work) and that will FORCE him to study well. (he's easily distracted from things he doesn't want to do) Our baby is due to make his or her appearance at the very end of August. So when I hit around 37 weeks, he will come home every weekend. (God willing he will have already taken and passed his exam by then) He is doing this as a way of trying to be close when I go into labor. Since we are having a homebirth and we are so strongly against elective induction, we will just be hoping and praying that he will get to be in attendance at the birth. : ( If labor starts in the middle of the week, he will be my first call. (since I have never dealt with false labor, this should work) But he will have to pass it by his superior and then pack his bags and check out of his hotel room before he will be able to leave. He's pretty optimistic about making it home before the birth, even if he's driving through my labor because Cal and Bryse's labors were around six hours. Jasper's was an induction, but once things started going it was two hours. And this is my fifth baby, they tend to get faster (although, mind you, not all the time) So, truly, this is out of our hands. Robert has never been super passionate about being really involved in childbirth. He has always viewed it as amazing and wants to help, but not in the way some dads do. He wants a task he can handle and comforting me or catching the baby are NOT the task he wants. : ) He feels quite strongly that women should support women for childbirth, as God has best equiped women with the knowledge of that process. He says he feels inadequate to even try. But that does not mean that he wants to miss out on the birth all together. SO, we will be praying that he gets to be there. Regardless, though, he will be able to be home for ten days after the baby is born. So that will be wonderful. I think that answers all the frequently asked questions about him being gone! Thanks for the prayers during this time in our lives! : ) |
LindseyI'm the mama and wife. Updating you on our life! Archives
January 2022
Categories
All
|