Happy Birthday, baby boy. I suppose I can get away with calling you that for quite a while since you'll always be a baby in my mind. But I feel pretty sad, this being your second birthday and all. That I can't hear your voice to see if it sounds like Cal's. I can't see you little boys running around playing rough. Sometimes I feel guilty seeing Cal try to play with Deakin and being frustrated that he can't keep up. As if it was my fault that his first little brother didn't live long enough to play with him. But it's not my fault. I'm very thankful for your short life and all the Lord used it for and will continue to use it for. I'm thankful for how wide and deep it opened my mind to God's love and grace toward me and your daddy. There are so many things we took for granted about Him that we see now and it sends us to our faces before Him. I have faith that the Lord gives you our messages. That you know we love you and miss you very much. I look forward to the day I will see you again. I don't know how that will be. I always picture you as a grown man big enough to pick me up. Not sure why that is how it plays out in my head. Doesn't really matter. Your daddy and I and your sisters and brothers have more work to do here. We are starting to get it. That nothing matters in this life but the glory of God. And you taught us that. Thank you. Love, Mama "It seems that every person who encounters the living God in the scriptures suddenly loses his self composure and experiences a severe identity crisis." Sproul "The house that I am to build will be great, for our God is greater than all gods. But who is able to build him a house, since heaven, even highest heaven, cannot contain him? Who am I to build a house for him, except as a place to make offerings before him?" (2 Chronicles 2:5-6 ESV) "Who am I?" This experience in my (our, Robert feels the same) life has left me shattered. And not just emotionally. It amplified my vision of God to a level that I can't even describe. There are times when I am praying to the Lord about average every day things and feel so overcome by His greatness and holiness that I can't sit upright. I feel like the prophets of the old testament that fall to their faces in the presence of God. I have NOTHING to give Him and he gives to me everything!!! I will sing to and serve God to my last breath!! Not for trying to earn anything but to show my insignificant love to my creater and redeemer. I just, I find myself speechless before an unfathomably good God. I recently heard a song that really explains how I feel well. And while it has nothing to do with the death of a child it has everything to do with what that death taught us about the God we serve. The second verse is my favorite. What do I know of Holy by Addison Road I made You promises a thousand times I tried to hear from Heaven But I talked the whole time I think I made You too small I never feared You at all No If You touched my face would I know You? Looked into my eyes could I behold You? (CHORUS) What do I know of You Who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood But the shore along Your ocean? Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? What do I know? What do I know of Holy? I guess I thought that I had figured You out I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about How You were mighty to save Those were only empty words on a page Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees (CHORUS) What do I know of You Who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood But the shore along Your ocean? Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? What do I know? What do I know of Holy? (CHORUS 2) What do I know of Holy? What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame? And a God who gave life "its" name? What do I know of Holy? Of the One who the angels praise? All creation knows Your name On earth and heaven above What do I know of this love? (CHORUS) What do I know of You Who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood But the shore along Your ocean? Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? What do I know? What do I know of Holy? What do I know of Holy? What do I know of Holy?
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Lindsey:
The Lord has been teaching me a lot lately. So much that I doubt I will be able to express it here. I will try to cover some things, though. First, it took, what seemed like, ages to find a babysitter! I found myself withdrawing from the kids out of stress and sinking more and more into books. I still did my daily Bible reading (just finished Leviticus and Acts, now working on Numbers and Romans), which helped me to keep my focus and survive, but I just was doing the necessities with the kids mainly. Feeding them, reading the Bible with them, disciplining them, washing their clothes. Ya know, just going through the motions. I chalked it up to needing a break. Every evening once I had them in bed I would walk around the house outside for physical exercise and pray at the same time. One day I was doing this and reminding God again that we needed a babysitter and felt the gentle reminder that I needed nothing but Him. So I repented and started daily praying for the faith to know that all I needed was Him. His grace is sufficient. When I run away into a book and get overly annoyed with the kids it means that I am shoving them further down on my priority list then they should be. So I repented of my selfishness and started praying for the strength of the Holy Spirit to change me. And He did. : ) And shortly after that, he sent not just one babysitter, but two! So now, on a weekly basis I get a three hour break on Mondays and a two hour break on Fridays! I am rolling in the blessings of that! Here is what our day looks like now: 7am- Wake up, get dressed, make beds (kids make their own), Mommy makes breakfast. 8am- Eat breakfast, clean up, feed the dog, nurse baby and put him down for a nap sometime before 9am 9am- Bible study with kids (we are currently in Daniel and are in awe at how much God loved King Nebuchadnezzar to discipline him and restore him), practice sitting quietly, run laps outside for exercise because in an hour it will be over 100degrees! 9:30am- push ups or sit ups, whichever the day calls for, Darby does a limited amount of school work, while Cal and Bryse do a floor puzzle (their current favorite being a huge US map) and I check and return emails and such. Usually during this time we field a phone call or skype with daddy. 10am- Deakin wakes and we play and clean up and eventually I move into the kitchen to get ready for lunch at 11. 12-2ish - Naptime for boys, quiet reading time for girls. The girls have been shredding through summer reading programs because of this time each day. : ) I do my Bible quiet time, catching up on finances, facebook, buying online items, lesson planning, menu planning, whatever. If I have time then I do some fiction reading. 3-5 - Playing, maybe watching tv if the kids clean their toys and rooms well enough and prep for dinner. 5pm - Dinner 7pm- Bed, I usually clean up after the kids go to bed, walk around the house praying, check the mail, eat some cookies, and read more fiction. I've been trying to get to bed by 9:30pm. Obviously things get tweaked on days we get out of the house. Not only has God provided babysitters but a housekeeper as well for every other week! I'm so undeserving and thankful. Also I found an affordable treadmill so that I can keep running for the goal of losing these last 10 pounds. I hate it. The treadmill. I hate the treadmill. It's so different then running outside. So much harder! But I love it too, because it allows me to work out. I've officially given up most non-christian fiction. I don't know if it's just for a season or what but I can't shake the conviction and I'm just not really enjoying secular fiction anymore. : ( Which is a bummer, but it means I'm trying to find better chritian authors. So far the only one I absolutely love and agree with theologically is Francine Rivers. There seems to be a lot of christian authors that right moral books but don't delve too deeply into theology and such. Which is okay. And please don't suggest Kingsbury, I don't care for her style at all. And I've tried tons of her books. I got a Kindle Fire from my parents for my brithday and last night checked out two new authors out from the local library's online kindle books. So far I really like the first one. And the Kindle fire is easy to hold and read while I nurse the baby and rock him before I lay him down for nap or bed. The closer we get to Jasper's second birthday the more weepy I become. I don't feel depressed very much, just weepy. We are having a lot of fun this summer, the kids and I. But I find that while we are laughing at something or playing I might tear up even while smiling. Just because, you know, I'm the kind of bad mom that likes some ages better than others. ; ) And age two is my favorite. And Cal and Jasper would have so much fun together. Or even, one of the kids might tear up missing daddy out of no where. It happens. Most days I'm fine but after the kids go to bed I get more weepy and sad. I feel short of breath. Which was common for both Robert and I in the few weeks after Jasper died but we both felt like we could breath easier together. I just don't have Roo with me to help me breath easier. This is turning out too long so I'll add more lessons that I've been taught later. On to Darby-lou! Darby: Darby started ballet lessons three weeks ago! I don't know if I've ever seen her more excited! She loves the classes, practices daily and always shows me what she learned. I don't think I formally announced it but the Lord saved Darby on March 31! I've been in awe of seeing proof of the Holy Spirit in her. Discernment as we read the Word and encouraging her brother and sister in following the Lord. She wants to tell everyone about her salvation. She wrote Robert a letter reminding him to "stay in the gloy of God" and to "tell all the other men about God". She always wants me to read more form the Bible when we do. And has been working on reading the gospel of Mark by herself. God is good. Bryse: Bryse does not want me telling anyone anything about her, good or bad. I think, if you want an update on her you will have to call us up and talk to her yourself. Seriously! Cal: Cal is all about dinosaurs and robots. We get books about dinosaurs and he acts like a robot. He is weepy a lot from missing daddy. He is a huge cuddle bug. Always crawling up to me and rest his head somewhere on me. Asking me to hold him or sleep with him. We have been checking out a lot of audio books from the library and he enjoys listening to those during naptime and on trips in the van. When I asked him if he wanted to play soccer in the fall he said, "YEAH! I will jump up in the air and throw the ball in the basket!" We are working on our understanding of what soccer is exactly. Deakin: Deakin is crawling everywhere so fast that the kids say he runs! He climbs all of our stairs in the house so fast that I often miss it and kick myself for not setting up the baby gate. I'm getting better at remembering, you can only have a heart attack from fear so many times, I've learned. He is always dirty because he hates water and I am far too lazy to wrestle him into the tub. Once a week is about as good as I do. A wipee bath all other nights. He screams a lot, out of joy mainly. He has learned that it's hillarious to hold out a food item from his high chair for the dog and then yank it back before he can eat it. He laughs and laughs over this game. He is still in my room with me but is soon to be moved into Cal's room as soon as I work up the effort and desire. He loooooves kisses! Giving and getting them! He enjoys trashing the kitchen since his mama doesn't baby proof cabinets. He knows which ones he's not allowed and just guts all the rest! The kids are frantic to teach him to clap and wave. He just watches them do it and smiles. Unending fun with this little dude, I tell ya! |
LindseyI'm the mama and wife. Updating you on our life! Archives
January 2022
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