Happy Birthday, baby boy. I suppose I can get away with calling you that for quite a while since you'll always be a baby in my mind. But I feel pretty sad, this being your second birthday and all. That I can't hear your voice to see if it sounds like Cal's. I can't see you little boys running around playing rough. Sometimes I feel guilty seeing Cal try to play with Deakin and being frustrated that he can't keep up. As if it was my fault that his first little brother didn't live long enough to play with him. But it's not my fault. I'm very thankful for your short life and all the Lord used it for and will continue to use it for. I'm thankful for how wide and deep it opened my mind to God's love and grace toward me and your daddy. There are so many things we took for granted about Him that we see now and it sends us to our faces before Him. I have faith that the Lord gives you our messages. That you know we love you and miss you very much. I look forward to the day I will see you again. I don't know how that will be. I always picture you as a grown man big enough to pick me up. Not sure why that is how it plays out in my head. Doesn't really matter. Your daddy and I and your sisters and brothers have more work to do here. We are starting to get it. That nothing matters in this life but the glory of God. And you taught us that. Thank you. Love, Mama "It seems that every person who encounters the living God in the scriptures suddenly loses his self composure and experiences a severe identity crisis." Sproul "The house that I am to build will be great, for our God is greater than all gods. But who is able to build him a house, since heaven, even highest heaven, cannot contain him? Who am I to build a house for him, except as a place to make offerings before him?" (2 Chronicles 2:5-6 ESV) "Who am I?" This experience in my (our, Robert feels the same) life has left me shattered. And not just emotionally. It amplified my vision of God to a level that I can't even describe. There are times when I am praying to the Lord about average every day things and feel so overcome by His greatness and holiness that I can't sit upright. I feel like the prophets of the old testament that fall to their faces in the presence of God. I have NOTHING to give Him and he gives to me everything!!! I will sing to and serve God to my last breath!! Not for trying to earn anything but to show my insignificant love to my creater and redeemer. I just, I find myself speechless before an unfathomably good God. I recently heard a song that really explains how I feel well. And while it has nothing to do with the death of a child it has everything to do with what that death taught us about the God we serve. The second verse is my favorite. What do I know of Holy by Addison Road I made You promises a thousand times I tried to hear from Heaven But I talked the whole time I think I made You too small I never feared You at all No If You touched my face would I know You? Looked into my eyes could I behold You? (CHORUS) What do I know of You Who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood But the shore along Your ocean? Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? What do I know? What do I know of Holy? I guess I thought that I had figured You out I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about How You were mighty to save Those were only empty words on a page Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees (CHORUS) What do I know of You Who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood But the shore along Your ocean? Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? What do I know? What do I know of Holy? (CHORUS 2) What do I know of Holy? What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame? And a God who gave life "its" name? What do I know of Holy? Of the One who the angels praise? All creation knows Your name On earth and heaven above What do I know of this love? (CHORUS) What do I know of You Who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood But the shore along Your ocean? Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? What do I know? What do I know of Holy? What do I know of Holy? What do I know of Holy?
2 Comments
Melissa
7/31/2012 09:14:20 am
Wow....can't believe it's been two years already. God grew a beautiful friendship out of this sorrow and I am blessed to call you friend.
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Sue Coffman
7/31/2012 11:37:39 am
I know you must miss that sweet baby. I felt really down that I couldn't be there to hold him too. I know we see him as a baby but I feel that when God took him, he was already grown. I see all the aborted babies in the same way. They are old enough to praise God. Remember how much you are loved by family and friends but most of all by God. Send my love to Robert. I will e-mail him again soon. Love to you both from Nannie.
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