When our baby son died during my eighth month of my fourth pregnancy we experienced much blessing and love from many directions. It was a time of seeing how much people cared for us for sure. Many cards, flowers, phone calls, letters, packages, meals, and hugs. But there are two people that stick out for me. And not because they gave more or listened more or loved more. I could name several people that gave WAAAY more. I think it's because they filled an empty place that I barely even knew needed filling right at the moment that I needed it most. Which, of course, is God. No effort on these ladies' parts could've gotten it done. It was the Lord providing through them. I think about their influence a lot. So I wanted to type it out.
The first woman was a woman that had never gone through anything like we were, who I had spoken to a handful of times at church and had always been quite friendly. I did not know her intimately, would've called her an aquaintance at the time. After Jasper was born I was left with this natural need to talk about him as I would have talked about any of my living children. To tell people who he looked like, to share his birth story, to talk about his weight and height. But when a baby dies people don't ask those things. And, as a mother, you are left violently silent. Feeling as if no one wants to know your baby or hear about him. Which ofcourse isn't necessarily true, but it's how you feel. We had taken many pictures of Jasper and my sister edited them to make them look as good as possible, all mainly in black and white. Some parents will say that their stillborn looked like they were sleeping. Jasper did not. He looked dead. Which was very scary for me and left me very vulnerable in sharing his pictures. But as a mom, you so want to show your baby's pictures off. To this day I have a whole file on my phone of his pictures. Just because it makes me feel better, having them close. We took a photo album up to the church for his memorial service and set it up with his lovey and urn. I was very careful to choose the best looking pictures. This one woman, when she looked at the pictures, she gushed over them. Just oohed and ahhed as if he were any alive child. I could've fallen to the ground and cried it so blessed me. To this day, heck, right now as I type this I'm sobbing at the memory! I hadn't expected anyone to act like that while looking at his pictures but it was so what I needed! The second woman, she knows who she is, was sent to me by God. I had stopped going to church because I felt like no one knew how to be around me, or maybe I didn't know how to be around them. I couldn't sit through a service without sobbing like a lunatic. And since I didn't feel like sobbing like a lunatic in front of everyone I just stayed home. About two months after Jasper's birth when things were getting really bad for me emotionally. For whatever reason right around the one month mark things went way down hill. Robert had left for a training for three weeks and the church was preparing to bring me extra meals for while he was gone. I found myself struggling to do normal everyday things without fighting back panic attacks. I recieved an email from our pastor's wife telling me that a woman and her family had visited church and heard our story during the prayer requests and felt like she must do something for us. The pastor's wife told her it was perfect timing as Robert was going out of town and I needed meals. So this woman cooked a meal for a stranger who's baby died and brought it over to my house. The first time I met her she was on my front porch with a meal and crying. There was not awkwardness or bluffing like nothing had happened. It was the same day that I had spent some time reading the Word for the first time in two months (really reading, not just skimming), the same week I had gone back to Zumba and had to retell multiple people what had happened to the baby they last saw me pregnant with, the same week Robert had left. I had spent most of the morning crying on the way to Zumba and bawling on the way home. I needed this new friend right...at that...moment. God said, alright, it's time. I went to church the following Sunday (if I'm not mistaken) because there was now someone there that didn't act awkward or as if nothing had happened. No one at church was hateful, don't get me wrong, it's just, for whatever reason, the Lord gave this woman the attitude I needed. When she saw me there she came straight to me and hugged me hard and long because she knew what it took for me to be there. And then she looked me hard in the eyes and studied me to make sure I was alright (as she has done everytime I've seen her since, ha!). Some days when she looked me hard in the eyes she smiled and asked how I was, and then other days she would soften and hug me again and tear up and command me to tell her what was wrong. These two women edified me and built me up in the simplest of ways. As did dozens of other people at that time with meals and childcare and random emails checking on us. These women caused me to look around at my church family and pray, "Who needs something, Lord?" Because some may not say, "Hey! I'm having a crappy day and need somone to invite me to dinner!" Some may not even know how to say that or that they need it. I couldn't very well have said, "Hey! I need someone to gush over my son's pictures." Because I didn't know how much I wanted that. Now I'm gonna chase a rabbit trail... I've been thinking about how we are to out-do one another in honor and service. Wealthy, poor, sick, healthy, weak, strong, we all need serving and need to serve. At our church recently it was brought to our attention that the nursery needed help with volunteers. Can I just confess and say that my first thoughts were somewhere along these lines, "Fine! Let some older woman who's kids have moved out and can actually clock out of her job do it! Let a woman that's husband is home do it. Let the mom that gets a break when her kids are in school do it. Let the man or woman that gets to actually worship without wrestling a one year old, disciplining a four year old, and answering questions from a 5 and 9 year old do it!!" All of those things are true. Those people should be doing it. But that doesn't mean that I shouldn't. So I prayed for a couple weeks about this attitude of mine. About how the Body should be made up of people who are serving one another and maybe that starts with me. So I volunteered and Sunday I served for the first time in the nursery (at this church, I've served in MANY others). I prayed all morning for an attitude of service and love for these mamas that would get to hear the sermon. And you know, God is good. I had fun with those kids! We always forget that it's better to give than to recieve, don't we? I mean, we say it all the time, but we always forget.
3 Comments
Nannie
12/11/2012 12:57:28 pm
You sound so much better than the last time that I read your blog. I was concerned that you were overwhelmed you were so down. It is so understandable if you were. I am sorry to say that I haven't gotten your Christmas yet. I have been very sick from the middle of Nov and am finally seeing some improvement. I hope to go shopping tomorrow and hope to get it in the mail by Friday. Are you going to your Mom's for Christmas? Please let me know when so that I can make sure that my packages get to the kids. Love you all and I am remembering you in my prayers. Nannie
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12/12/2012 03:22:42 am
We are staying home for Christmas. So no worries about timing there! ; )
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Nannie
12/15/2012 02:00:57 pm
That's good. I am planning on mailing it 12/17/12. I will try to speed it up.
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