http://www.steadymom.com/2011/06/working-staying-at-home-comparisons-and-measuring-up.html
I just read this and it got my mind to thinking. And I just had to hash it out in a blog post. This article is talking about all the damage comparisons can do to moms. With their relationships with eachother and their self-esteem. This whole artilce made me think of Titus 2 where it is explained how the "older women" should train the "younger women": "Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God." And maybe I took the article wrong, but I found myself disagreeing with it. Mainly because the main way I grow as a mother is by comparing myself to other moms! While I'm definatly against superficial comparisons of "Oh! She has a nicer minivan." or "I wish I could fit in the size of clothes she does!" Mothering in general is NOT a very superficial subject. It's quite deep and I don't think any of us mothers will ever be to a point where we can no improve in some way. "Somehow pointing out the limitations of mothers who handled life differently than I eased up on the guilt I felt about my own flaws." Okay, that is a quote from her first point. And here is what I think. If you are feeling guilt about a flaw that you have, then change it! Don't waste time pointing out other's flaws! That does no good. But look at your situation and fix it! Truly, if we feel good and confident and at peace with the choice we have made then NO ONE can MAKE us feel guilty for it. It's impossible. For instance, the main subject of this article is Stay-at-Home moms vs Working moms. Personally I know amazing moms on both sides of this coin. BUT I have 100% confidence in my choice to stay-at-home. I've always known it would be what I would do when we had kids and feel so confident that it is the right choice for my children that I have NEVER felt guilty for it. Nor have I ever even thought that working moms might talk about me behind my back (until I read this article). But I truly don't care if they talk bad about me! Because I know I've made the right choice. Why would I care what someone else believes when I'm at peace with my family and myself for this decision. This is my hope for all moms. That when they do make a choice (after prayer and research and thought) that they would feel so confident about it, that they wouldn't care what others think. They don't give excuses, they just do. "Differences highlight our inadequacies" GREAT!!! Ha! When Darby was four Robert and I realised we were failing her miserably in the discipline department. She was a mess. And it wasn't her fault. It was ours. We were inadequately schooled in that area. So what did we do? Did we say, "Oh! But we are different, and we just need to ignore these inadequate feelings and not compare ourselves to other parents." Well, I guess we could've, but we didn't. Instead I looked around me and found a mom to compare myself with. I found children to compare Darby with. And when I found a mom that put me to shame with how she discipled and taught her children and her children showed great results because of her loving discipline, I pounced on her!! : ) I spent hours on the phone with her, telling her what we were doing and let her tell me all the ways I was failing and what i needed to do differently. And we did, and within a couple months Darby was a different child. She was HAPPY, we were happy and everything was so much smoother. All because I compared myself to another mom!!! : ) All because I found myself lacking and instead of crying about feeling guilty, I excepted that I WAS inadequate, and got better. Now I have the confidence (as mentioned above) about how we teach and disciple our children. So I don't feel guilty anymore. I mean, yeah, I still screw up, but atleast I have the tools to fix it. "So when a friend with only good intentions does something thoughtful for my son, it’s easy for me to immediately qualify her as “just” a stay-at-home mom, someone who doesn’t have the extra challenge of balancing dinner and editorial letters, copyedits and soccer games, someone who’s downright luxuriating in extra time I don’t have." I felt like when she put this in there it was meant as her feeling bad for thinking this about her friend. But I didn't take it as that at all. Because this is true. Is it not? I, as a stay-at-home mom DO have more time. In my experience MUCH more time than my friends that work outside of the home. But, that is my goal in staying home. So if someone thinks that "I'm only able to blog or clean my house more or shop for better deals than working moms", that is true. While I don't have an insane amount of free time (because I do care for three children full time, keep in mind, nannies are paid handsomely to do that), one of the BIG reasons Robert and I decided for me to stay at home with the kids was for those benefits. I count my blessings when I'm able to go out with a friend for a playdate in the middle of the day, or spend an hour at Kohl's getting the BEST deals on clothes (like this morning) during a really slow time, or just sit during naptime! These are benefits to staying home, no insult, just fact. Just as a benefit of me working outside of the house would be us having a larger house or newer cars or maybe not really "needing" for me to bargain shop OR eating out more!!! Oh, I love eating out. If I worked, we would eat out WAY more! ha! For my sanity and for the luxury of having more money! : ) So these are just differences in the choices we make (or may not have a choice, as single moms do not). There is no reason to get all worked up over the differences between the choices. I don't feel guilty because I have more time with my kids or household duties then working moms. Because it was my goal when I chose that direction. Ultimatly, I just get tired of the whole, "comparisons are bad" thing. Because if you are comparing the right thing with the right motive, then comparing is the best way to grow!! Haven't we all been at a girlfriend's house and tasted her cake (or what have you) and been like, "MAN! Her cake is way better than mine!" And so we ask for the recipe. Because we want to be as good at making cake as her! Right?! Why not do that with mothering?? As far as I can tell, the Bible kinda commands it, right? I mean, we are suppose to have wise counsel from other women.
1 Comment
Mary K
6/14/2011 12:27:01 am
Thanks, Lindsey. I totally agree. I feel guilty about the things I am not doing right. I feel no shame or guilt for the decisions we've made that we are confident in. I've always thought if you feel guilty about a choice you've made, you should probably rethink that choice and see if there's any way to make something else work.
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
LindseyI'm the mama and wife. Updating you on our life! Archives
January 2022
Categories
All
|